What Forgiveness Is (and Isn’t)
Hurt people hurt people. (Hurt people heal too but that’s another story.) And they can hurt real bad.
Sometimes, the ones who hurt us are carrying their own intergenerational trauma, this is pain that’s been passed down and never healed. They may even lack the emotional capacity to truly listen or understand another point of view. Or perhaps they’ve simply never done the inner work to realise that what they’re doing is not okay.
We all carry wounds. Often, those wounds shape how we react and sometimes, we end up hurting others without even realising it. Understanding that doesn’t make it easier when you’re the one who’s been hurt, but it does begin to explain the why behind forgiveness.
The Power of Perspective
I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my past, often coming at situations from my own point of view or as we say in the therapy world, my own frame of reference.
For example, some people used to think I was telling them what to do. What I was actually trying to do was help. Helping is in my nature. I’d ask people to take action because, in my mind, I was trying to make things better.
But what I wasn’t considering was how this was being perceived. To them, it sounded like, “Stop telling me what to do.” My intention was peace; their experience was frustration.
Do you see how easily wires can get crossed?
Doing the Work on Yourself
Through therapy, self-reflection, and deep personal growth, I’ve realised that my desire to please others was often driving my behaviour. People-pleasing can look like kindness on the surface, but underneath, it’s often rooted in fear and often set in childhood, it can be fear of rejection, fear of conflict, or simply fear of not being enough.
Ironically, that constant need to keep everyone happy only caused more friction and misunderstanding. When you spend your energy trying to be liked or accepted, you lose connection to your own truth. And that disconnection can build quiet resentment towards others, but also towards yourself.
For some people, that pain turns outward. They seek revenge instead of reflection. It’s an attempt to reclaim power when they’ve felt powerless for too long. But revenge never truly frees you; it keeps you tied to the same energy that hurt you in the first place. Healing, on the other hand, asks you to rise above it, not to ignore the pain, but to choose not to let it rule you.
Now, I can look back and say: “You know what, you were absolutely right.” That kind of humility only comes from inner work, the deep kind that asks you to see both sides with compassion.
And that brings me back to forgiveness, because without self-awareness, I don’t believe true forgiveness is possible.
(By the way, I’m no longer the people-pleaser I once was. I have strong, healthy boundaries now and that’s incredibly freeing!)
Freedom, I’ve learned, shows up in many different ways. For some, it’s walking away. For others, it’s speaking up. For me, it’s peace, the quiet kind that comes from knowing who I am and what I will no longer carry. You have to choose which kind of freedom you prefer, because the one you choose will shape the way you live, love, and forgive.
What Are We Actually Trying to Forgive?
When someone hurts you, it’s easy to get stuck in the why. Why did they say that? Why didn’t they care? Why can’t they see the damage they’ve done?
But if we go back to the truth, hurt people hurt people, we can start to understand that sometimes, they simply can’t. They haven’t done the healing, aren’t ready to face themselves, or are too proud to admit they were wrong.
You can’t force someone to see what they’re not ready to see.
So, the question becomes: Why should we forgive if they’ll never change?
Forgiveness Is About You, Not Them
The real power of forgiveness lies in its purpose and that purpose is freedom.
Forgiveness is not about saying, “It’s okay.” It’s not excusing bad behaviour, erasing the past, or letting someone back into your life. It’s about setting yourself free from the pain that’s been holding you hostage.
When you forgive, you reclaim your energy. You stop replaying the story that hurt you and start creating space for healing.
That doesn’t mean it happens overnight. Forgiveness is a process, sometimes a slow, painful one, but each small step lightens the emotional load you carry.
Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean Forgetting
There’s a huge misconception that forgiving means forgetting. Absolutely not.
Forgiving doesn’t mean you ignore what happened or dismiss your feelings. It doesn’t mean you invite the person back into your life. Instead, it means you choose to learn from it, to carry the lesson instead of the pain.
In many ways, forgiveness creates stronger boundaries. It teaches you what you will and won’t tolerate. It helps you understand yourself better; what you value, what triggers you, and where your emotional limits lie.
You don’t forget the experience; you transform your relationship with yourself because of it.
Self-Forgiveness: The Hardest Step of All
Sometimes, the hardest person to forgive is yourself.
The times you stayed too long. The words you didn’t say. The choices you regret. These can weigh heavier than anything another person has done to you.
But just like others, you were doing the best you could with the tools you had at the time.
Self-forgiveness doesn’t mean denying accountability, it means holding yourself with compassion. You can acknowledge what happened, take responsibility, and still be gentle with yourself. That’s how we grow.
Choosing Peace Over Pain
Forgiveness is a choice. It’s a conscious decision to prioritise your peace over your pain.
It’s an act of courage to say, “I’m no longer letting this define me.” It’s strength to soften your heart in a world that tells you to harden it.
The power of forgiveness lies in reclaiming control over your emotional world. It’s how we stop being victims of our past and become authors of our future.
So next time that familiar anger or hurt rises, pause and ask yourself:
What would it feel like to let this go? What would it feel like to set myself free?
Because that’s what forgiveness truly is; not approval, but freedom from the pain.
Final Reflection
You don’t forgive because they deserve it.
You forgive because you do.
