An Open Letter to Those who are Grieving

I remember a time in my life, many moons ago, when I didn’t even think about grief or loss, now it seems to surround me everywhere. Personally, externally, on social media. I think it’s great that it’s out there and being talked about, it can help those who are experiencing grief to feel less isolated in their thoughts and sadness; but in my opinion there are also some misconceptions out there about grief too.

In my own life I have experienced many losses; some big, some small. Losing my parents within a 8 week period was one of my biggest losses, and even though that was 4 years ago now, it still remains fresh to this day. The bereft feelings you experience with a loss of a parent are something I believe you have to go through to fully understand. There is a loss of connection that comes with being an orphan, an anchoring to the ground that is no longer there, a sense of drifting with no real end in sight. Becoming an orphan changes you in ways you never even imagined, spins your world in a way you didn’t even know it could be spun, but we are all different, and we all grieve differently. This is something I want to go back to time and again in this blog for there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and many have faced the worst kinds of grief imaginable in their lives. My heart goes out to each and every one.

I had recently heard of a couple of things that had made me feel so sad (and truth be told, quite pissed off!). People telling other people how to grieve, and for how long for…. for instance, I’ve listened to someone telling me that “whilst they are still grieving they are not letting their deceased person move on” which I believe just adds shame and guilt to an already extremely sad situation!! Imagine how that person must have felt after hearing that? Imagine what they then might have tried to do to “help the deceased person move on” – do they bury their grief? Do they decide to stop talking about that other person, to stop mentioning their name? Do they know that to have suppression can add to depression? Even the best grief therapy allows for time. The mind boggles….

Another example was in Najwa Zebian’s new book ‘The Only Constant’ where she writes;

My grandpa’s tears carved two streets on his cheeks for his grief to express itself (after losing his wife of 75 years). A family friend, whom I’m sure had the best intentions, said, “It’s not good to cry. It’s like you are saying that you don’t accept God’s will”

She then goes on to explain what happened next;

My grandpa looked at her, he pointed to a light pole in front of the yard and said “ There were two birds that would come and rest at the top of it every day. One day, one of them flew a bit too low and a stray cat ate it. The other bird still comes here and rests at the top of that pole, facing the exact direction where it’s partner was killed. If a bird can get sad over another bird, why do you say I can’t get sad over the woman I loved for seventy-five years? My best friend” Goosebumps. Right?

What is the ‘correct’ length of time to grieve? Does anyone know? Is there a ‘time’? In the Bible in Ecclesiastes 3, 1-8 it says, there is, “A time to weep, and a time to laugh: a time to mourn, and a time to dance” and I believe this is so personal. There is a general thought that two years is normal for initial ‘intense’ grief ’, but who can say? When I spent some time with my  Auntie on her deathbed some years ago, she was still crying for her son who had died several decades earlier. Should she have moved on? Who on earth could possibly say that to someone who had suffered such tremendous loss. As a Grief & Loss Informed Coach, with my own personal experiences, and with extensive reading on the subject from the world’s grief experts (Elizabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler) , I have come to believe that we learn to live alongside our grief in whatever way works best for us individually.

To quote David Kessler, “Each person’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed. That doesn’t mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining.”

So there is no telling someone that they need to move on, or to stop talking about someone or something they have lost (pets, health etc) each person’s feelings should be respected and validated, and should last as long as that person needs them to in order to start the healing process. At this point I would highly recommend David Kessler’s book ‘Finding meaning; The Sixth Stage of Grief’

I hope this blog has helped those reading it who are currently living with grief. You are seen, you are heard and you are validated. I personally don’t think time necessarily ‘heals’, but it can ease the intenseness and rawness of your emotions; although when they spring back up again out of nowhere, they can totally take your breath away with the force and freshness of them again.

I’m going to finish by quoting David Kessler again;

 ‘The grief doesn’t end, because the love doesn’t end.”

You will find your way back to the light at some point, and when you do, you will be a much stronger person because of it. Take these lessons and learn something from them, whether that’s to relish each day fully, to really appreciate those around you who love you – whatever comes up for you, embrace it. And remember – the darkest hour is just before the dawn.