In my work as a Mother-Daughter Coach, Coach and trainee counsellor, one pattern I see repeatedly is that many people struggle with having a healthy sense of self. This isn’t always obvious—it’s often hidden beneath patterns like chronic people-pleasing, emotional volatility, and difficulty setting or maintaining boundaries.
A lack of self can show up as:
- Emotional instability or difficulty self-soothing
- Disconnection from your own needs, desires, and values
- Persistent shame and inner criticism
- Feeling empty, numb, or lost
- Fear of being seen or fully known
- Idolising others or living through them to feel valued
Where Does This Begin?
From a therapeutic lens, a fragmented or underdeveloped sense of self often stems from developmental trauma, inconsistent caregiving, emotional enmeshment, or invalidation during our early years. In many family systems—especially mother-daughter dynamics—the child may take on the role of emotional caregiver. In the Mother-Daughter Attachment Model, this dynamic is described as “the river of nurturing flowing backwards.” This reversal of emotional roles can leave the child with no space to develop a strong inner identity.
When this happens, the child may create a false self—a version of themselves tailored to gain love, approval, or belonging. Over time, they may become whoever they believe others want them to be, losing touch with who they truly are.
What Are the Consequences of a Lost Sense of Self?
Without a grounded sense of self, individuals are more vulnerable to a range of emotional, relational, and behavioural challenges:
- Chronic anxiety and indecisiveness
- Low self-worth and shame
- Persistent people-pleasing and co-dependency
- Emotional dysregulation, which may lead to burnout or health issues (see The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk)
- Depression, dissociation, or identity confusion
I’ve often asked clients, “Who is the most important person in your life right now?” and many shy away from naming themselves. They’re quick to say it feels selfish, egotistical, or wrong. But is it?
Understanding the Ego—A Psychological Perspective
The concept of the ego is often misunderstood. In popular language, it’s associated with arrogance, self-centeredness or even narcissism. But in psychology—especially in Freud’s psychoanalytic theory—the ego is the rational, conscious part of the mind that mediates between our instinctual drives (the id) and our moral ideals (the superego).
Freud described the ego as the part of us that helps manage reality. For example, if your id urges, “Eat the cake now!” and your superego insists, “You should never eat cake,” your ego steps in to say, “Let’s have a slice after dinner—balance is okay.”
In this sense, ego is not inherently negative. It’s essential for self-regulation and navigating life consciously.
A Beautiful Metaphor: Building a Home Within
In her book Welcome Home, author Najwa Zebian shares her powerful journey of reclaiming her identity. She writes:
“The mistake most of us make is that we build our homes in other people, in the hope that they will deem us worthy of being welcomed inside. We feel so abandoned and empty when people leave because we’ve invested so much of ourselves in them.”
Zebian encourages us to build a home within ourselves, brick by brick—with rooms for self-love, forgiveness, clarity, compassion, and surrender. She closes her introduction with the words:
“Let’s start constructing the road to home.”
How Do We Recover a Sense of Self?
Reclaiming a sense of self is a process of reconnection, reclamation, and rebuilding. It’s not about becoming someone new, but about unbecoming who you were conditioned to be. It’s about remembering yourself beneath the layers of adaptation and survival.
Here are some first steps:
1. Create Stillness and Reflect
Spend 10 minutes a day in quiet. Sit with yourself—no agenda. Let your thoughts come and go without judgement.
Ask:
- What do I feel?
- What do I need?
- What matters to me?
2. Reclaim Your Story
Therapeutic work can help you examine your upbringing, patterns, and beliefs. In mother-daughter coaching, we explore generational narratives to uncover what you’ve inherited—and what you’re passing on.
3. Clarify Your Core Values
Identify values like honesty, creativity, freedom, or compassion. These serve as your internal compass and support decision-making aligned with your authentic self.
4. Set Boundaries
Boundaries protect your emerging identity. Saying no to what doesn’t serve you makes room for what does.
5. Allow Yourself to Be Seen
Seek relationships and environments where your real self is welcome. Vulnerability and connection are healing.
The Journey Back to You
Recovering a sense of self takes time. Just as it took years to adopt the patterns you carry, it will take time to unlearn them. But every small step is a powerful act of self-honouring.
If you’re ready to begin this journey, I’d be honoured to walk alongside you—through coaching and/or mother-daughter coaching
You are not lost. You are returning. Be gentle with yourself.